Let's get right into it shall we? I am off on beards and babies today. Matt and I went to the beard and Mustache Competition last night and a better time could not have been had in Amsterdam on heroin. On the ride up, Matt & I were discussing and airing our grievances about the proverbial boners one is expected to get and display for others people's kids. It's annoying, oppressive and conforming to a standard that should really only exist in Oklahoma. Which led me to this actively dick ridden rant.....
Why am I expected to celebrate other people's children by way of acting enthusiastically enthralled & impressed that it's grabbing a finger, or eating solids or managed to make a sound that may in some Somalia ridden circles sound like an actual word? I would never expect anyone to do the same with my children or animals.
The only reason I am likely to hold your child & there is nothing spectacular about them, they are not related to me & I have no real connection with them; coupled with my obligatory social graces being exploited, is to avoid some dull conversation; the kid will act up inevitably and I will have to leave the room.
Be joyful & psyched on your own choice & decision. Aside from immediate family, it is not necessary for all and sundry to actively and audibly support your choice be hemming and hawing that your child has developed motor skills, ( I participate a little every day myself, no big deal zygote.) Chances are you have most likely moved onto children because of family's incessant prodding about the topic or maybe it's more generalized than that. Maybe you know that society will only see you in a "successful" light if you pop them out like a factory line and maybe even harbor hopes of your own reality show?? Yeah, we're getting down to brass tacks now.
If your child appears to be a jaundiced raisin that's dressed in Target sale items, can't use it's "inside" voice to relay what it wants, and you are expecting me to get it up for you in spite of all these things; you may as well ask me to climb Everest while going native, save for a dicky and a cravat.
If you have made the choice to procreate, that is wonderful but I cordially invite you to stop asking me to validate that decision, you should be incredibly comfortable about it, seeing as how it has manifested by way of actual human being. So buck up, and place your insecurities in the right location: your partner and parents.
The Beard & Mustache Competition was held at the Europa in Brooklyn and was a great time. Matt & I are entering next year and will be blowing the fucking roof off along with your minds. Stay Tuned, enjoy & for fuck's sake, keep your baby at bay.
