Terror in the wake of a mean vagina.

I find it incredible the haste a strayed and deceptive vagina can make when attempting to instill it's wrong views in the mutual company it and it's husband once shared. My friend that I mentioned a couple of posts ago, the succubus associated with him has rapidly planted seeds of commiseration, pity and agreement amongst whom she has concerns about her being viewed superficially. The insecurity that merits this kind of veracious action is almost admirable in it's schizophrenic whirlwind of "like me." A cheating silent type simply ends up like this syphilitic sorority member or even worse a 40 something cruising Work Out World for the latest Jersey Shore extra; both are bitter ends.

Oh yeah, this screams success.

This is the prettiest picture a hateful vagina will find.

Let's revisit the best show ever to appear on television and the glorious hopeful return to HBO in the near distant future. Your wish is granted, long live Jambi.

Ebay buyer feedback smack down, Jasper Johns & true grit are for breakfast.

And I digress. Did I really picture my recent Ebay buyer to look like this....and that's why when she pleasantly and maybe a little too enthusiastically asked me to leave her feedback I wrote back that I had been out of town due to a death in the family and that I would leave her feedback now (no such death has occurred), in manner of exasperated, emotionally spent human; just to have her write a brief synopsis of condolences that anyone would feel comfort upon hearing that made me feel like a kitten kicker? Yes. Yes I did. What is wrong with me? I can't blame it all on a drooping uterus that is making more ornery than usual. I am an asshole.

This tuned in hero always makes me feel better. The strokes are clearly an urge for me to remember Easter eggs fondly without my questioning bullshit of said rabbit's motives, remember that I did not always have an aversion to clowns and that at one point in time I quite enjoyed Disney films, particularly Lady & the Tramp. The reason for all of this is that what Jasper Johns does for me, is remind me that cynicism can be a tool of separation and arrogance rather than wit and intelligence.
Here's a recipe for Vegan biscuits and gravy, if you want to die feeling fulfilled it will not happen until you consume these.

Recipe submitted by funnygirl28@yahoo.com

Vegan Southern Biscuits and Gravy

Ingredients (use vegan versions):

1 package prepared, frozen soy sausage crumbles or patties
Up to 1/4 cup flour (preferably white but whole wheat works too)
Up to 4 cups plain soy milk (full fat or low fat works best but non fat may be used)
Betty Crocker Bisquick Original All-Purpose Baking Mix (use 1/2 cup shortening and water to make biscuits)
lots of pepper (and I mean LOTS)
lots of salt or salt seasoning (I use Lawrys or Johnnys seasoning salt)
1/2 medium onion, finely chopped
Up to 1/2 cup vegetable oil

Directions:

Prepare biscuits according to package directions - preheat oven to bake biscuits but let dough sit, covered (on counter or in refridgerator) while you prepare the gravy. Remember the secret to great biscuits is to use COLD margarine or shortening and to not overmix.

Turn stove on to medium high, and preheat a drizzle of vegetable oil in the pan. When pan is hot, add chopped onions and saute until almost cooked. Add frozen sausage crumbles and continue to saute until cooked. Set aside cooked onion/sausage mixture in a bowl.

In the same pan, reduce heat to medium, and prepare a roux by mixing about 2-3 tablespoons flour with enough vegetable oil to make a heavy paste (about 1-2 tablespoons of oil). Add oil and/or flour to get the correct consistency. Stir and cook the roux for a couple of minutes over the medium heat, then slowly add about a cup of soymilk to the mixture, stirring continuously. You must stir continously to avoid lumps.

Contiune to simmer the gravy over medium heat and add more soy milk as needed (this may require several cups of milk). If you accidentally add too much milk, just add a bit more flour (not more than a teaspoon at a time). Also, the longer you cook the gravy, the more it will reduce and thicken.

As the gravy is simmering and reducing, put the biscuits in the oven and bake according to package instructions.

Add the onion/sausage mixture to the gravy and continue to stir and simmer until the biscuits are done. Add salt and pepper to taste - you will probably find that you'll use more salt and pepper than you expected.

Halve the warm biscuits and pour gravy mixture over them and serve. Yum!

Serves: 3-4

Flesh Eating Dope?!?!?!

So I am sitting in a meeting today and my friend turns to me and informs me of  Krokodil (pronounced Crocodile), the new Russian heroin that eats one's flesh and leaves a life expectancy of the user to a measly 2-3 years. I mean.....look at this shit, Jesus Fuck.......we're all "War on drugs" and these ice cold commies are just putting an end to their epidemic annoyances. We can't even get Jersey Shore off the air.

What we CAN do is get on the proverbial good foot read these immediately if you haven't already and for fuck's sake if you haven't, don't divulge this information publicly; you would be letting your ignorance ambulate like a seizure ridden glass sorter for all and sundry. Spoons down, hardcovers up.-H

Say it ain't so.

My morning routine consists of coffee, pinching and frequenting fashion blogs. I know it's sort of akin to a tabloid paper, but I like it and can't seem to stop anyway. One my regs I usually swim through is Vogue Italia. The most discerning piece of advice or encouragement I have seen in a while was giving me the finger this AM. In the Vogue Mania section was a headline that stated, "UGG: a fun boho footwear option" with this awful depiction of someone trying to be worth emulating.
Listen, I had my moment as well. There was a time when I could not make my way out of the UGG box and saw no other options, however; I am a grown woman with skills and resources and I can proudly say that not only I have I shunned these cro mag, denim skirt 15 year old girl advocators, I have banished them from my environment. I advise you do the same, especially if you are over the age of 19. Have some respect.

Tina Turner is one of my favorite people on planet earth. I find her to be all of things you hear about and more than you would expect. The majesty of her is highlighted by Mad Max and hommage will be paid. Balmain is STILL tipping their hat to her after all these years. I am a bit bias, I love anything post apocalyptic. I m storing juice right now as we speak.....

The deputy of WTF has been on tour.

Jesus Christ on a hatchback. Look at this shit here. Katherine Kalnes has fashioned Ryan Gosling into a fucking pancake. Whether this is a thumbs up or down is still debatable....

Next is this hauntingly disturbing piece of visual hand sanitizer by Benetton. Only attractive folk should be posted nationally snogging with grit. Not this sad Venezuelan sack.

Sometimes, when I m writing  a paper and need background noise and forget what is on T.V. I feel exactly like this poor Peruvian chowder head when I realize that fucking Teen Mom has been on for well over 1/2 an hour. Toys R Us has also aided in my identification with wanting to kick the eye out of some annoying fucktard in line at Wegmans who's Mother can't utilize a useful militant strategy to get Mommy and Daddy's "surprise" in line.

Whoa. Easy chief. What are ya on pigtail patrol? One day not only will you have your own flatiron, you'll realize that Insane Clown Posse does not understand you at all and that featuring a utensil drawer in the front of your grill will not win you any prizes with either sex.
Listen, we may be in an unstable economy, but this poor fuck is booking his seat on the next Greyhound just to be a sales associate at the new Hot Topic opening in Wabasha.

Wanderlust has set in.......

Ok, so I am still feeling like this, but I do not sound SO much like Jabba the Hut pleasuring himself.

 I was born with a travel itch but due to recent illnesses beyond my control, it has escalated to obsessive status; one can only watch so much Paranormal State and Travel Channel before if starts to get a little...

I would go here first....there is not enough time in a day to cover this ethereal secret.

Next up is South Africa, which hopefully will be a real possibility next year. Matt, my husband, and I are working on that little slice now. Their fucking textiles alone are enough to propel one over on pirate ridden seas in a drug cartel loaded vessel; fuck, I  just may. But the promise of little to no white people is also a deal sweetener.

Lastly, I would stalk around Venice; wearing Rodarte. (It's my fantasy and I AM wearing Rodarte in it.) If I need to delve further into Venice, please stop reading this and never come back. The promise of a South Beach Diet and your manic Tivoing of Housewives of NJ  has ensured that you will remain culturally devoid of any real life experience and has left you a lost cause which I am not capable of helping. Good day to you.

For the rest of you, today when your boss condescends to you because he is a puke pile piece of shit, has still never told anyone about the boy in gym who's knob he shined and enjoyed it but stayed in a 5 year marriage to make Daddy proud; know that your comfortability with your self is what is so unsettling to others and they will try to take it from you. Don't let them, they are a means to an end; you will never be in a permanent fetal position yet that is the only one they hold. 

"Resist much. Obey little."

Sickness has elevated me to Noah's Ark status...

So this is the overall theme for today. Thoroughly fucked and OVER this happiness invader. Onto visual validation of how every woman has felt, especially around these seasons translated through the brilliance of Eva Hesse. Eve Hesse's Spectres 1960 is one of the current exhibitions being shown at the Brooklyn Museum and if one finds them self in the business of performing self satisfying favors, indulge in one and go absorb her work.
On a heavier note, a dear friend has recently been the undeserving recipient of a horrific unveiling. My friend recently discovered that after years, 11 to be exact of faithful devotion to his wife, that she in fact has been seeking more intimate comforts out side of the marriage for a lengthy amount of time, coupled with the admission that she had not loved him since the second year they were together. All of this came to light after my friend had been battling with some of his own demons, massive amounts of money spent on said vampire  and was made to labor under the misapprehension that he was involved in a loving and caring relationship.
The only logic I can glean from this despicable situation brought on by a energy, time and real life whore is that self serving security found in varied dick tips will most certainly not provide the thing you are seeking to make you whole. One cannot replace or fill  a space that never existed. So to glean admiration from loose skin and old balls or possibly fit balls in this case (apparently it's a gym infused fling) would not only be futile but draw pity from the soul who searches this sort of attention out when said shell is well into mid life. Some buy a Ferrari, some have affairs. Moral? Don't get involved with a stripper that claims to be performing in order to satisfy a scholastic endeavor only to do nothing with finished product, be advised; if nothing changes, nothing changes. Keep your wits about you when a fake rack is showcasing affection towards you, it is most likely agenda ridden.